The Layman's Guide to Rhetoric

Note: Something I found in an article directory. It kind of describes how babystealers work and will therefore be considered babystealer training material.

By Dennard Dayle

Debates, political or otherwise, are theoretically respectful, intellectual discussions where two rivals calmly and rationally promote two legitimate, conflicting positions. This is a myth, much like the Sasquatch or the Bill of Rights. Real argument is all about shouting over everyone that disagrees with you as loudly and angrily as possible.

Unfortunately, this can be difficult. Not everyone is born with the talent to accuse their opponent of being a communist or fascist based on mild differences in logic. Luckily, as always, I'm here to help. You don't need to be a TV pundit or political activist to find the following guide helpful: you just need to be an unpleasant person..

First, the most important tip of all: do not, under any circumstances, research the topic at hand. Making the smallest effort to further educate yourself on the subject is a sign of weakness, and confidence is everything. Think of your opponents as mad dogs or a hive of killer bees: they can smell fear. Instead, refer to all conflicting sources of "fact" and "information" as the product of propagandists, idiots, the biased liberal/conservative media, faulty research, or witchcraft.

If you make the mistake of reading or hearing any form of relevant material, there's still hope as long as you follow three key rules: disregard the aforementioned witchcraft, avoid putting any critical thought into what you read, and regurgitate the information verbatim.

The second key element to remember is volume. The louder a point is, the more correct it is; volume equals veracity. A softly spoken statement is equivalent to fiction, and should be immediately discarded in favor of screaming. It might be helpful to carry a megaphone around from this point forward. You won't regret it.

If you somehow find yourself on the losing end of an argument (most likely due to insufficient shouting), insults are the safest fallback plan. Don't feel shy about questioning your counterpart's sexual orientation and the fidelity of his mother or spouse (accuse them of being the same person in a pinch). Accusations of being a terrorist are also popular in contemporary politics and come highly recommended, though difficult to apply to daily discussion (creativity is a must).

When the withered remains of your conscience (or, god forbid, intellect) begin to bother you, just remember: by disagreeing with your views, they've already directly insulted you and your ancestors. In some cultures, you could kill them for this offense. By calling your opponent a godless heathen, you're exercising restraint.

Finally, if at all possible, surround yourself with people with similar beliefs. There's strength in numbers, and no mind is stronger than the hive mind. Truth is democratic: if the masses around you believe in your position, you must be correct.

The world is full of opinions. Yours is the right one. Carry yourself through life with these tips in mind, and you'll crush any constructive dialogue that stands in your way. Godspeed.

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