SocialWorker24/7, who claims to be "one of the good ones who cares" wrote the following post on her very Pro-CPS blog, which was her response to a comment left by one of her readers about what labels to use, parents, bio-parents, foster parents, whatever.
Here's the link: http://eyesopenedwider.blogspot.com/2010/01/nameslabelsect.html
Now, I left a comment on this post, which I did not make a copy of, so this is not word for word. What I said was that the term "bio-parent" is offensive because it makes it sound like our kids came out of a test-tube and robs us of perceptual importance. I also stated, (this coming from conversations in the newsgroups, more often than not from our beloved Brenda), that the term "Foster Parent" is also offensive to the real parents and that they should be called "Foster Caregivers" instead because that's what they are, although I prefer the term "foster contractor", but I was trying to be nice.
Then at the end of the comment, I put forth a question. I asked, "I suppose that you think it's okay for a foster child to call the foster caregivers mom or dad, huh?" Figuring that we're all talking about labels here, and all labels are is identifiers for clarification purposes, right? Now, I know this is a touchy issue for a good many "Real Parents" who are often just a wee bit irritated with the woman who your child is calling "mom".
And get this; SocialWrkr24/7 refuses to publish my comment! probably partly because she's still mad at me for writing this post here on Legally Kidnapped.
http://legallykidnapped.blogspot.com/2010/01/child-welfare-302-working-with-birth.html
And because her reader base consists of a lot of foster contractors, who she does not want to offend.
I can live with that. Not too many Social Workers do like me, I would imagine, considering I have made it my JOB to expose them all for the FRAUDS and SELF-RIGHTEOUS HYPOCRITES that they are (and for clarification purposes, I am not saying that SocialWrkr24/7 is a fraud or a self-righteous hypocrite, she's more of a case of a well meaning person falling for a line of bullshit, but that's just the interpretation that I get from reading her blog). But here's where it gets good. Not only does SocialWrkr24/7 not publish my comment, but she responds to it on the following post, while making no citation or reference whatsoever to the person whose comment or question inspired her to write the blog post...
http://eyesopenedwider.blogspot.com/2010/01/little-clarification-on-my-names-post.html
Where essentially she is saying, "Yes it is okay and appropriate" for your kid to call somebody else mom or dad.
So here is the comment, which I left, which she probably won't approve because: #1 she hates me, # 2 she won't want to offend some of her readers who are foster caregivers regardless of the fact that it is not possible to have an open and honest discussion on such an issue without pissing somebody off, and # 3 because the best way to hide the truth is to pretend it doesn't exist.
Dear Miss Social WorkerNow, dear readers who I love so much, I would really be interested in your thoughts on all of this about labels. Especially about how you would feel about your child in foster care calling another woman "Mom" or another man "Dad."
First let me say that I think it's funny that you will respond to my comments but won't post them. Second, I once had to try to talk a real mom out of suicide because of what you describe in this post as if it's a good thing.
For the sake of argument, lets set up a hypothetical situation here. Lets say, for example, that you someday have a kid of your own, you make a mistake causing a report to be made to the hotline, a worker shows up and takes your kid into foster care, (it's better to be safe than sorry you know). You go to your visitations and your kid is calling some other woman "Mom."
How would you feel about that? Would it hurt? Would you want to hit someone? Would you think it's appropriate and acceptable if you were in the real parents position?
Now most babystealers would respond with something like, "Well it's not about what's best for the parents, it's about what is best for the child," or some lame excuse like that.
Fine, let me explain how it harms the child. The child is removed from home, put with a family and is encouraged to assimilate, over time the child settles in, then they're moved to a new foster home, then they settle in, then moved again and again and again, all the time having dreams of forever homes being preached to them by the social workers. The next think you know they're being diagnosed with and treated with psyche meds for RAD, bipolar disorder, PTSD, etc.
Therefore, it's not okay to do this. It's hurtful and offensive and it's not what's best for the child.
It's called "parental alienation" and it's a standard practice within the Child Protective Industry. What workers in your profession do is encourage the children to try to assimilate into other families, you allow them to call people who aren't their parents mom or dad and by doing so you confuse the child and destroy any bond that exists between the child and the real parents as well as the child's chances of a successful assimilation into a new family or adoptive placement, and use the same reason as an excuse to terminate the rights of the real parents to THEIR kids.
To me it's kind of like pouring salt on an open wound, and that goes for both the child and the parents.
Dear LK - First of all, you weren't the only one who brought up the issue of how we speak to children about their parents. If you read the other comments, you'll see that most people responded about how they talk about these names/labels - so it was only natural that I respond with my own thoughts on the matter. I did include my thoughts about having children call their foster parents "mom and dad" because I thought it was important for people to know that it is inappropriate for foster parents to demand that of the children in their care.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your theories of "parental allienation" - I think I made it pretty clear that I do not support foster parents who demand a child call them "mom or dad". I also think by my past posts, including the three that I have directly written about foster parents working with biological parents towards reunification, that I have demonstrated my support of children returning to their family of origin.
As far as this causing RAD - simply allowing children to assimilate into a foster family is not going to cause RAD. In fact, encouraging a child to bond with their caregiver is essential to preventing attachement disorders. However, you are correct that when the child is moved over and over again - they cease to be able to attach and thus a disorder may form. This is why I do not encourage children to call their new foster parents "mom and dad". New foster parents are introduced as "Jane and Michael" or "The Smiths" or by a nickname. It is especially discouraged for foster parents to allow a child to call them "mom or dad" if we know or believe this placement will be a temporary placement. In those instances, even if a child starts to call them "mom and dad" - we discourage it by reminding them that they have a mom and dad and they will hopefully be returning home soon. Sadly, there are children in foster care, that we are more certain will not be returning home. In those situations, when a concurrent plan is being made for them to stay with their foster parents, if a child chooses to call their foster parents "mom and dad" we won't discourage it. There are a million variations on this issue - no one answer is applicable to every child, parent or foster home.
The problem between us is, and likely always will be, that you believe that CPS and social workers are duplicitous. You believe that most parents who have become involved in the system have been unfairly targeted or accused. Anytime a social worker actually helps a biological parent or anytime the system works in their favor - you see that as an exception to the rule. I, on the other hand, see things from the opposite perspective. In my experience, most parents have been given multiple chances to recify the issues before their children are removed and that there are many times where the parent is unwilling or unable to correct those issues and have their children returned to them despite services being offered and arranged for them. And despite all that, I believe that most social workers are trying and succeeding in reunifying families.
Therefore, I believe sites like yours - which only focus on the negative and encourage parents to "fight" the system instead of working with it - are dangerous. If a parent who was involved with my agency happened upon your site, it could negatively impact their progress in having their child returned to their care.
I don't hate you LK, I understand that you had an awful experience with the system and that is your perspective of it. So, I appreciate that your comments make me think about my own actions and clairfy my statements so that others do not get the wrong impression either - so feel free to keep leaving them. You know that I get them and that I'll respond if needed. If I feel that your comments are constructive - I've posted them in the past, and will continue to do so in the future.
SW24/7
I am a grandparent. I did try to work with CPS for placement of my grandchildren, but because I wouldn't lie, I was not allowed placement.
ReplyDeleteWhen my daughter went for visits with her newborn daughter the foster "stranger's" were telling everyone she was their daughter. They also bragged how she was calling them mama and dada.
In NH, DCYF caseworker's and the foster class, instill's into the heads of would-be foster stranger's, not to have anything to do with the real families. They tell them they are very angray, so stay clear.DCYF states they can't figure out why these parents are so angry. Isn't it only normal to be angry when your child is stolen? There is NO re-unification or Family preservation in NH. Foster strangers are afraid of the real families, thank's to the lies of the great and powerful DCYF!
And kissing a workers ass doesn't always work either. Especially when they're idea of helping is nothing more than throwing you a few more hoops to jump through.
ReplyDeleteI made a similar comment on her blog. I'll wait to see if it's posted. We have no choice but to use these terms cos too many foster carers assume that they're the children's new parents.
ReplyDelete@unhappygrammy - I understand that in some places, CPS discourages contact between foster and biological families. I didn't believe it at first, because where I work, this is not the case. I'm appalled by states/agencies that enforce rules like this - its obviously not in the best interests of the child. I can see how it would cause increased paranoia, frustration and distrust between people. In my state, and in all the agencies I've worked with, meetings are arranged with foster and biological parents within the first week - if not before the children are placed if possible. Foster parents are encouraged to provide parents with a number that they can call the children at and to have visitation in the foster home if it is not possible in the parents' home (which is the first choice as long as it is safe). I am sorry that you and your daughter had such a horrible experience and hope that productive change comes quickly to NH's CPS so that no more families are unfairly torn apart.
ReplyDelete@LK - Kissing ass isn't necessary. But being respectful and doing what is requested goes a far way in my opinion. Again, I know you've had rotten experiences - but in my experience, social workers understand this is a difficult situation and are often up against some of the same bureaucratic red tape and stupid procedures. I've had much more sucess when I'm fighting the system with and for a parent - than fighting the system and the parent at the same time.
@Divotdawg - your comment was posted. We have never had a problem and your comments are always respectful, even when we don't see eye to eye. :)
SW24/7
ReplyDeleteThere was nothing rude about the comment I posted on your first post.
Names/Labels/etc