How to lie to a child in foster care about their situation

Daddy's View: A conversation with Jae

Jae: "I don't even know why I'm in foster care, it's so confusing. Do you know why I'm here?"
Brian: "Because it wasn't safe for you to be at your house anymore, Jae."
Jae: "But I felt safe, who says it's not safe?"
Brian: "The people who's job it is to keep you safe."

Note: I have become obligated to respond to a comment.

LK,
I am sorry if you have had a bad experience with the foster care system. But the fact is, is that it is necessary. If you knew some of the situations that children in our home had come out of, you would cringe - or at least you should.

I realize that the system isn't perfect - but if your alternative suggestion is that we leave children in homes where they will be killed or starved, then I think you've got some work to do on your argument.

We are simply doing our best to help and to love kids who cannot be at home right now. I'm sorry if you cannot appreciate that - I'm not asking you to. But I do request that you not use any of my blog posts on your blog without my express permission, and that you not slander my family for trying to do a good thing.

Thank you,
Maggie Popp

The original clip here honestly reminds me of a personal conversation I once had with my favorite babystealer and my total inspiration for Legally Kidnapped (yes you Sara) after flat out asking her, "What do you tell these kids about their situations?"

Her response was as canned as this foster dad's. "We tell them that we just want them to be safe."

I don't know about the rest of you, but to me, this is what is called a crock of shit.

First of all, kids are no safer in foster care then they are in their own homes. They're more likely to be drugged with psyche meds, they lack stability and bounce from home to home and school to school with nothing but the clothes on their backs and a trash bag or two of their personal belongings in toe. They're not only kept from their parents, but are often separated from their grandparents, siblings and any other family member who loves them. And there are all of these kind and loving people out there who just care for and love the children for the sort time that they are in their homes. And although every single one of them acknowledges that there are problems with the system, not one of them has ever seen a kid who was wrongfully removed and didn't really need to be in foster care.

"Oh it doesn't happen around here."

It's no wonder that by the time they're teenagers, a lot of them will be all doped in a group home.

Yet I'm the bad guy for using their own words against them like they did to me and I would imagine, do to you. I'm committing slander against somebody who indirectly tells a kid that their mommy is a dangerous person to be around.

You know, I don't set out to offend people, but I'm not going to avoid saying something just because it will. I learned a long time ago that you're not going to have an open and honest conversation about this issue without pissing somebody off. And I'm sorry if some foster parent or child welfare worker gets upset because I link to them, but in all honesty, they don't give a hoot about how you real parents feel, for if they did, they certainly wouldn't be bragging about their righteous and saintly work on a blog, now would they? Especially when they don't have enough faith in humanity to believe that just maybe this kid did feel safe in his own home and is simply suffering from some abuse caused form of PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, or RAD that had nothing to do with their time in the system or being ripped from their mothers arms, but instead should all be blamed on the parents.

That said, I know there are good foster parents out there who only want to help. I also know that there are bad ones. I know that there are good workers out there. I also know that there are bad ones. For a real parent or a foster child, it's like being forced into an out of control game of Russian Roulette. If you get a good one, you're lucky. If you get a bad one, you're screwed. Not to mention that telling the kids that they just want them to be safe helps to instill fear in the children in regards to their parents, I suppose helping along the parental alienation process, making way for the dreams of forever homes. Kids view it like this. Being kept safe from their parents means that their parents are bad people.

Perhaps it would be better to say something like, "I'm sure your mommy misses and loves you too, but she just can't take care of you right now." Instead they say, "Because it wasn't safe for you to be at your house anymore, Jae."

I think this kids words say it all. "But I felt safe, who says it's not safe?" This kid tells them that they're full of bologna in his own words, and it's a loving cute moment. I tell them the same thing in my own words, and I'm a horrible person for doing so.

I can't win either way.

So be it.